Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Randomize
