no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
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