Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
