The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
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