i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
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