I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
they night at the roxbarryed us. came out of nowhere,bought us shots, and then the big one licked my hand? we got out of that noise.
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
Randomize
