I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
Night out in new white coat = success. Offered free breast exams all night, two took me up on it, woke up with one. I love medical school!!!
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
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