paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
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