new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
Everyone says I win the strip club
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
