Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
