alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
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