I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
