saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
Randomize
