Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
its liver damage thursday
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
Randomize