is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
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