when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
Someone in my class is wearing shirt and on the back it says...National Bible Quiz Finalist 2006. Do you really expect me to find a guy here
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
Randomize
