he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
Good for you, kid with a beer in hand as you walk to your 11 am class.
I thought this was a dry campus.
That means you have to bring your own beer from home.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize
