Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
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