the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
Randomize
