I am spending my child support on dildos
He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
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