His vagina is bleeding blood all over the court
Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
I just typed my entire senior project presentation on my blackberry,
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
Randomize
