Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
