fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
Randomize