someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
Randomize
