My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
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