so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
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