bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Randomize
