i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
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