just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
Randomize
