This dress was meant to end up on your floor
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
Randomize
