i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
I could really do without pictures of your asses in my inbox. That said, I'm extremely jealous that I wasn't involved.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
Randomize
