My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
I'm just crazy horny about you
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
