whjeg hajt iyt
say what?
wanna hang out?
I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
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