my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
Just saw two girls doing a walk of shame together. Slut bonding at it's best.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
Randomize
