theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
Randomize
