I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
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