Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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