if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
it hurts more in the daytime
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Randomize
