I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
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