It's like a parade of train wrecks.
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
i wish my penis had a tongue
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Randomize
