why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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