I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
Dude ... paraplegic porn is really creative..
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
Randomize
