College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
Randomize