hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
Saw 2 former students outside gas station. gave me money to buy 2 12 packs, asked if I wanted to go to their party.
I told them I had a gf and took one of the 12 packs. Come over.
Texas should really raise its teaching standards.
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
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