I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize