My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
i'm watching the tyra show: "women who beat up their boyfriends" - lets see how she can make THIS one all about herself too.
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
Randomize
