So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
Randomize