Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
In line at the arbys drive thru on foot. Legendary.
I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
Watching NYC prep. Doing a shot everytime one of these d-bags flips his hair. I give it 10 minutes before alcohol poisoning set in.
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
