btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
