there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
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