He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
