His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
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