just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
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