Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
I found my old addy guy via fb who clearly understands the supply and demand curve of addy during finals so he's gonna hook me up.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
Randomize
