Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Randomize
