I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
