So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Randomize
