i jus seen this fat chick walk buy look like she had don king coming out her arm pits..
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
Randomize
