her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
Randomize
