Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
