watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
pray to the hookup gods
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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