she is unbelievable! ever pee on a girl?
not while she was awake
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
Randomize
