I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
Naked. naked and bneed help.
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
Randomize
