My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
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