while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
Randomize
