i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
Your argument isn't valid... just because I test the waters doesn't make me gay. Makes me versatile. And who doesn't love that!
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Randomize
