Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
Your kinda stuck between a rock and his hard dick on this one..
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
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