Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
I think they make you graduate because you get too old to go hard and become a risk. homecoming weekend wins again. fuck.
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
Randomize
