He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
I still count it as showing your tits. Even though the wall was the only one who saw anything. Your boyfriend was pissed.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize